Activism Or Acceptance.

I think it was my midlife crisis. Zingeving (finding meaning) and transformation. Some become a biker. I tried to save the world.

I've had obsessions my whole life. I was obsessed with dogs, fish, birds, dioramas, cars, banks, collapse... but my insight remains quite shallow. I am swept up by whatever I'm exposed to.

I've also have been compulsivly posting ideas since I've had access to the internet in the late 90ties. If I manage to quit one site, I end up posting on another. Arguing is intoxicating. Even about politically neutral subjects.

I think I remember, turning 40 in 2022, I consciously decided to find motivation and meaning in saving the world.

The internet is pushing my buttons. And I am pushing buttons on the internet. Humans have always tried to control each other. If it's not religion, it's ideology.

We fight over our stories as if we are tribes fighting over hunting grounds. The same patterns keep emerging. The Others are evil, false and stupid. Our side is justified, whatever we do.

I have too many arguments in my head. I feel like I have PTSD. I have transmitted the war in my head to others. Now they ruminate on my sharp messages. Engineered to create a strong memory.

In a way, this is who we have always been. This is the whole of history. Good news is no news. Peace is boring. We need goals and adversaries. We have an inability to just do nothing and think nothing. We must move forward and have more. Take more territory.

And if you do nothing, the world will waltz over you. The fight is never ending. It's nature itself.

In my quest for meaning, I got a job and regained my health. Stepped on many-a-toe. I've been suffering from dizzy spells again and my doctor carefully suggested I eat less stricktly. Eat meat. I've been having mood swings, after years of feeling nothing. Every day is a roller coaster.

I'm tired of the world. But I live in the world. I want to just accept the world for what it is. But then the world might take advantage of my passivity.

Maybe it's just the internet. But now everything is internet. And it has real world repercussions. But people sucked before the internet.

I think it's "humans". The story tellers. The builders. Tribalist. This is who we are. We come from nature. We are still nature. It's constant struggle for survival. Competing for resources: territory, sex, status,...

In Dutch language we call drugs including alcohol "verdovende middelen" or "sedating substances". Being sober is definitely mentally harder. If you are intoxictated, you don't care. Everything is a joke. But I do feel that I have an obligation to live in reality. But I should not impose my reality. Let them. It's okay. This is who we are. This is our biological destiny. 


peace

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