The Keith Flint Episode (Inside The Psychotic Mind)

This is the story of the year I spoke to God.

Schizophrenia is still somewhat of a mystery. I had a psychotic episode when my dog froze to death at my mother’s place. I hadn't even touched alcohol then. When Valerie died. I hadn't touched drugs then. I had a psychotic episode when I tried to bring down capitalism with internet comments. That coincided with quitting weed. I had one when I was on the green stuff, at a time when I had a new boss who was a bully.

There is some suspicion that schizophrenia is an autoimmune disease. Basically your immune system attacks your brain as if it's an enemy invader.

The Keith Flint episode coincided with quitting weed again. My best friend and dealer had a psychotic episode, so I lost my hook up. He had started messing with his anti-psychotic medication, because he felt a little high when he didn't take them. When he was in the psychosis, he kept taking acid and XTC, smoking weed all day, and was out of control. He was unreachable and experienced waves of extreme anger. I cut off contact because he had threatened me and my brother. I did keep track of what was happening, trying to get his family to get him professional help. He was finally forcibly admitted when he punched a cop.

So maybe it was suddenly quitting weed that triggered another episode. Or the stress from my friend being in one. At the time my father had another autoimmune disorder attack the muscles of one of his eyes. I think at the same time I also made a mess going on a rampage against preachers of 'biological determinism' on Twitter, which brings its own stress. I got perma banned from Twitter.

Anyway... Keith Flint, a singer in the rave music group called "The Prodigy" killed himself. Apparently over some chick who didn't want him. I heard of this news, and I started playing The Prodigy music, and from one moment to the next, I was with both feet in a psychotic episode. The music was telling me I was Jesus. And I believed it.

I was living with my brother in Melle, but he was on a skiing vacation so I was home alone. I had stopped going to my volunteer job.

So for a while I walked around thinking I was Jesus. It was winter time. I went to the Liedermeersen park, I sat on the bench where my best friend once tried to kill himself with pills washed down with Whiskey (he vomited up the pills), and several squirrels gathered around me. I felt like a Disney princess. I thought the squirrels were a manifestation of God. Irrefutable proof I was Jesus.

I didn't sleep anymore. I tried to, but it didn't happen. I ended up not sleeping for several weeks. I was worried I was going to have a heart attack. But I thought God was giving me energy and keeping me upright. I was not tired at all.

Then came "The Letter". I had a voice in my head which started reading to me a letter I had apparently written on Facebook and sent around as an email in a previous psychotic episode. The letter was my complete biography and a sort of manifesto. This letter was running down in a voice in my head, day and night.

I live in doubt. When I am psychotic, I can still doubt my delusions and hallucinations. It's like I am in multiple realities. My emotions tell me the psychosis is real, but my reason tells me it isn't. So I went to my shrink and said I was having a psychotic episode and I need to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I also told my family I had a voice in my head.

I think it was about a week or two till I got admitted. I still hadn't slept.

The psychiatric hospital was Guislain, in the north of Ghent. I had picked it myself. A large compound. I paced around all day, listening to this letter being read. The building I was at was really nice. It was one level, earthy colors, lots of light and shaped like multiple hexagons with a garden in the middle. 

I never stopped taking my medication, which was a jab each month in the muscle of my rear end. At the hospital they gave me a pill at night. I asked several times what it was, and got different answers: a sleeping pill, for your stomach, anti-psychotic, to calm me down...

After some time I could sleep again. Although a lot of nights I didn't. The voice would be there when I woke up till I went to sleep. I would walk patterns in the tiles at the hospital and vocalize the stories of the voice in a whisper. They gave me a room to myself, no extra charge.

The letter I possibly wrote basically caused everything that had happened in the world since. From Trump to e-cigarettes to AI to CRISPR (gene editing)... I inspired all major events and innovations and new businesses. 

But this letter run-down lasted for about 2 months non-stop. While I had supposedly written it in a night.

And then the voice announced it was the end of the letter. I thought that now I would be getting billions of euros. From all the ideas in my letter. The voice told me it was God: The Spirit Of Nature. I was very intimidated. Because I thought God was reading my mind, I got thought-tourettes. I was thinking about all the things I shouldn't think, and cussing God out. I asked if I could talk to Jesus instead. The voice agreed and said it was now Jesus. I still thought it was God, but it was less intimidating.

The voice told me I would be tested. I would be made to feel remorse 480 times. And indeed, over the next months, the voice told me stories about how I hurt people or put people in danger, and I would feel deep sickening remorse.

For instance. I remembered a person online asking for a one word joke. My answer was: Zyklon-C (Zyklon-B is the poison they used in the holocaust). The voice told me that people made Zyklon-C when they saw my joke, and that it was used in all those acid-in-the-face attacks that happened a while back in the UK. I felt sick. And so it would go from positive to negative.

The voice told me stories. It told me the story of Hanuman and his advisor. Hanuman was the son of God in Egypt. His father, God, was the sun. Hanuman was half monkey, half human. Mischievous. Reckless. He had a very intelligent advisor, a black slave. Skinny and tall.

The reality of the world of Hanuman was held together by spells. Both Hanuman and the sun, his father, could speak reality into existence. But Hanuman thought all the spells were a mess, and wanted to start with a clean slate. Helped by his advisor. His father objected, but Hanuman proceded anyway and this started a war of spells.

Hanuman fled to the future. He planted himself in the future,  and at the same time a whole history was created, which created a whole tribe around Hanuman in the future. These were the jews. When you plant a jew in the future, you create a whole tribe as it manifests through history. Hitler knew this and was trying to eradicate the tribe, as the sun had been bound by a spell.

The voice asked me "do you want to know what it feels like to be Hanuman". I said yes, and started feeling very naughty and moving like a monkey.

I could fill a book with the stories from this episode. I'll maybe share some later. Like the time I took acid, went to the cinema and watched the movie "Midsommar" thinking it was about the queen of England. 

I had the voice from March 2019 to November 2019. Then the voice told me I had felt remorse 480 times and that it was the end of the story. We said goodbye, and the voice was gone. 

peace ✌️ 💜