Johnny Belgium

In my Catholic primary school (age 6-12) in the 80ties, in a small town, I was bullied by teachers and students. Somehow they knew they could get away with it. Or it was worth the risk. I never did figure out why I was a target. Because I was neglected, neurodivergent, stupid, ginger, weird eye contact, selective mutism,...? I think the reason I never believed in God (except when I am psychotic) was because the people preaching it didn't act like God was watching. One day another poor looking child who had the shame of living with her grandparents, peed her pants in class. I now realize she didn't ask the teacher to go pee, because she was afraid of her. The children thought it was the event of the year. During recess, they were talking about how stupid and evil the girl was. Just like Jesus intended. They tried to involve me in the celebrations, and I felt it: hate. Hate for the girl. And it feels exciting and powerful. But as the black sheep of the class, I didn't trust t...

When I wanted to leave Reddit because it is quite toxic and stupid, I decided to subscribe to a decent Flemish newspaper. Because I'm a promo-slut, I took a 3 year contract which I regret, because I can't get out of it.  The days after starting my subscription to DeMorgen, they published an article saying their readers had complained about the negative environmental news. DeMorgen said from now on they would publish positive environmental news.  And they did, finding the slightest silver lining, while the science is clear that humans have triggered the worst extinction event in earth's history. And agriculture will probably fail before the end of the century, when my godchild is going to still be younger, hypothetically, than the age my grandfather died at. (I can't help myself, sorry). But more algea though, yay. I should have subscribed to The Guardian.  So I read DeMorgen, and at least every month, sometimes every week, today 2 in a day, they publish an article about...

This past weekend I watched the movie "Perfect Days (2023)" with my brother. I thought it was beautiful and inspiring. My brother thought it was boring because he was waiting for a pay-off that didn't come.  Perfect Days is about a Japanese man called Hirayame who works as a cleaner of public toilets in Tokyo (I think Tokyo). He takes pictures of trees with a film-based camera, he listens to cassette tapes of the oldies, and reads books. He lives alone. He says almost nothing. I saw in the movie the pleasure of being a nobody, but being a useful person. Of enjoying the present moment, enjoying a  tree or little moments with people, being content with what you have, having no grand ambitions, living a simple routine, having no ego. My brother has many ambitions. It charms him that none of them are ego-driven like making money. He wants to make art. Video games, and paintings. He often feels bad because he is too busy, too tired, sick,... to work on his projects. In Buddhis...

The freeze response is a reaction to a threat. Other possible reactions are fight, flight (running away) and fawn (charming your threat). I have the freeze response. And it sucks. When I was about 10 years old, a classmate was cycling with his sister to school, and he saw her get run over by a truck. For one boy, we will call him The Hairdresser, because he said he wanted to be a hairdresser, this was an opportunity. Before the teacher arrived, he went down the row of classmates with others, looking for children who didn't have tears. I managed to squeeze out a few tears before the inquisition passed me. When the teacher arrived, he excitedly wanted her to know that he was the first one to have been informed of the tragic accident. When the brother of the dead girl returned to school, I had a weird conversation with him. He told me his young cousin had asked him how his sister had looked. The vibe was off. Then I was invited to the house of the dead girl with The Hairdresser and go...

Some doomers keep yelling on the internet that the end is nigh and there is no hope. I was one of them. I now realize they haven't truly accepted the end of humanity. Otherwise they would just make the best of the time left, instead of wasting it shouting and complaining about the inevitable. Thich Nhat Hanh says nothing really dies. It just transforms into something different. It's never gone. I disagree, and I think he is just appeasing people. Something is truly lost when a being dies. Even if their molecules keep circulating through the biosphere. Even if information is never lost. They are dead forever. James Hansen, the godfather of climate change science, published a paper predicting future global temperature rise using paleontology (historical data like fossil plants) instead of the incomplete computer simulations. He predicted that if we stop emitting green house gasses now, and use aerosols to limit warming (cloud seeding), we are headed for a new equilibrium global t...

Two LSD trips, years apart, and the Pixar movie Coco, gave me the insight that cynicism kills the love in my heart. Years ago I was going to watch the Pixar movie Coco during the peak of an LSD trip. But we watched the beginning and I deemed it 'too happy' and vetoed it. We switched it off. For years I was a cynical doomer. I would bathe my mind in bad news and make cynical jokes. Cynicism gave me pleasure. I wanted civilization to crash. I didn't see the good in people. I rejected positivity and optimism. I wasn't depressed, though. But I made others unhappy with my negativity. Then some 5 years after switching off Coco, I gave the movie another shot, again on LSD. Psychedelic means "The Mind Manifested". On psychedelics, you can become aware of how your minds works. Watching the beginning of Coco again, I realized that "Cynicism Kills Love". I felt it. The mechanism was laid bare by Lucy. I realized I had to open my heart for the sentimentality of ...

Things from my past keep surfacing in my mind. More often than not, unpleasant things. Things someone did to me, or things I did to someone that make me feel guilty and cringe. Often these actions were words. These things will only go away when your mind goes or you die. However, with mindfulness, you can learn to carry them with you. Instead of letting them drag you down.  Split yourself in two, when unpleasant thoughts surface. Split into the storm, and an observer of the storm. Experience your negative thoughts and emotions with the energy of curiosity instead of fear. When you become aware that your thoughts and emotions are excited, stop and ask yourself: what is this mind formation? Don't push it down. Don't try to run from it. But don't identify with it. Don't engage with it. Say to yourself: these thoughts and emotions don't define me.  Take your mind to the present moment: to your breath, your body and your senses. Let the storm in your mind float away. Tra...

You can choose to live a life of intentionality, of mindfulness and awareness, instead of living life on autopilot, lost in thought loops about the past or the future. People take numerous actions every day that decide the difference between living to a healthy old age, or dying prematurely, or worse, becoming handicapped. Some unhealthy actions build up over time. Like eating too many calories, too much bad saturated fat, too much salt, too much not-moving-your-body, too many short nights of sleep...  Some actions are more like a lottery. For instance, 90% of cancers are due to lifestyle. Tabacco, alcohol, processed meat and red meat cause cancer. Every time you expose your cells to these poisons, could be the time you cause the DNA mutation that triggers cancer.  It could be the very first cigarette you smoke, or the 100 thousandth cigarette that gives your body cancer. Every drink of alcohol could also be the one that gives you cancer. Or every sausage. If you live with awa...

When I got diagnosed with schizophrenia, it became my new autistic obsession. I would infodump on people about the major psychotic episode that led to my diagnosis. The schizophrenic author of the book "The Center Cannot Hold" said it didn't define her, and I disagreed. It does explain who you are, I thought. But I now think that's a mistake. Mental Health diagnosis are clusters of symptoms that suggest a certain treatment is needed, as opposed to another one. I am not experienced enough to know if this is the correct approach. Different diagnoses often have overlapping symptoms. Psychosis,  for instance, is a symptom of many different diagnoses. I started thinking I might be something because of Valerie. She had a borderline diagnosis, according to her father on a chat with my brother. I thought I might be narcissistic because of my black and white thinking at the time. I didn't want to flatter myself with a more fashionable diagnosis. I thought I might be border...

My Mind Works Better.  My memory and concentration is much improved. I am present. I am witty and funny. I don't repeat myself. I'm adaptable. I'm creative and motivated. I feel and understand much deeper. I have the best words. I Enjoy Life More.  If you don't dampen your feelings with drugs (including alcohol and nicotine), you enjoy the simple things in life. You enjoy what is most important: other real life living creatures and plants. I love small talk with my neighbors. I love banality. I love living every moment. My Stress Is Much Lower.  Because of tolerance, which is the brain seeking out a baseline (homeostasis), drugs (including alcohol and nicotine) are not only the cure to your chronic stress and depression, they are also the cause of your stress and depression. Your brain adapts to being high or drunk, and the moments you are sober, you will be dysregulated. You need your drugs just to feel normal. After a few months of sobriety and withdrawal, you will fe...

When I was in school, every new schoolyear, I would have the intention to study at home every day. I fantasized that I would memorize the material 100 percent and have perfect scores. But when I got home after school, I would feel "The Resistance". "De Weerstand" in Dutch. I recently discovered it has a name in psychology: "avolition". It's described as a paralysis when you have to perform a task. My brain hates the task I have to do. Screaming not to do it. So instead of studying, I watched TV, constantly thinking about the tasks that are piling up, being stressed and miserable, my brain yelling: "I hate it." I still have my avolition. Doing the dishes, maintaining the garden, showering, cleaning,... Stuff piles up, the neighbor complains, I get smelly,... I feel good when I finally do it, but the avolition stays for the next time. In 2022, two years ago from composing this text, I thought I found a hack. I would program myself to "Do I...

My mind is judgemental. My first thoughts are often black&white and simplistic. Even within my thoughts, and sometimes vocalised or written, I will call someone a narcissist. It's mostly intellectual laziness, I think. I can't recall specifics to argue my case, so I just stamp them: narcissist. I also learned from the playground that it feels exciting to gang up on someone and badmouth them. Though that might be very hurtful for the subject of your gossip, and it could come back to you. Gossipers are probably gossiping about you. Do you choose to be a healer, or make people unhappy. Do you want to create a community of love, or dysfunction?  In a psychotic episode I subscribed to the subreddit "raised by narcissists." I would still see posts from them after I was back to reality. I thought that the community was rather toxic. Often it seemed like they were projecting. The comments to a post were almost always the same: go NC. Which means "No Contact." Of...

Artists who have completed a work, often fall into a depression. As if they have no purpose, now that they have achieved their goal. I heard a proverb, I think from Vietnam, that says "When you are on a mountain, and you see another mountain in the distance, you want to be on that other mountain." I'm probably butchering it. I was with friends on a mountain in Albania, and indeed, they saw another mountain in the distance, and risked their lives to get there. I had to think of the Vietnamese saying. I stayed behind while my brain was giving me all sorts of scenarios that they had fallen to their deaths. I tried to just enjoy the waterfall I was at. No one died, but they did encounter dangerous situations. I would have frozen in fear. Thich Nhat Hanh says of walking meditation, to realize with every step "I have arrived, I am home". Enjoy the present moment. Don't live in an unreliable past or a hypothetical future. Just enjoy the journey. Brazilian writer Pa...

This is the story of the year I spoke to God. Schizophrenia is still somewhat of a mystery. I had a psychotic episode when my dog froze to death at my mother’s place. I hadn't even touched alcohol then. When Valerie died.  I hadn't touched drugs then. I had a psychotic episode when I tried to bring down capitalism with internet comments. That coincided with quitting weed. I had one when I was on the green stuff, at a time when I had a new boss who was a bully. There is some suspicion that schizophrenia is an autoimmune disease. Basically your immune system attacks your brain as if it's an enemy invader. The Keith Flint episode coincided with quitting weed again. My best friend and dealer had a psychotic episode, so I lost my hook up. He had started messing with his anti-psychotic medication, because he felt a little high when he didn't take them. When he was in the psychosis, he kept taking acid and XTC, smoking weed all day, and was out of control. He was unreachable a...

They think Buddhism is 2500 years old, having started in India. It's illuminating to hear monks like Thich Nhat Hanh speak about psychology of thousands of years ago, and realizing that nothing much has changed about the human condition. For how awesome our minds are, they are also a mess. Everyone is a unique snowflake, but we also go through similar states, even 2500 years ago. Samantha means to stop, to be calm, to be awareness. Vipassanā means to gain insight, to see reality. Stopping and ordering your thoughts and emotions will help you immensely. We are constantly stimulated, constantly reacting and thinking. We will suddenly feel stress or insecure because of a thought. A thought will make us upset at someone over nothing. We start arguing in our head. Sometimes we need to stop and nurture our mind. Go for a walk, don't play music and stop and be with your mind. Switch off the tv, put the phone out of reach, and work through your shizzle. We need watch our thoughts with ...