Two Dead Girls And The Freeze Response.

The freeze response is a reaction to a threat. Other possible reactions are fight, flight (running away) and fawn (charming your threat).

I have the freeze response. And it sucks.

When I was about 10 years old, a classmate was cycling with his sister to school, and he saw her get run over by a truck. For one boy, we will call him The Hairdresser, because he said he wanted to be a hairdresser, this was an opportunity. Before the teacher arrived, he went down the row of classmates with others, looking for children who didn't have tears. I managed to squeeze out a few tears before the inquisition passed me. When the teacher arrived, he excitedly wanted her to know that he was the first one to have been informed of the tragic accident.

When the brother of the dead girl returned to school, I had a weird conversation with him. He told me his young cousin had asked him how his sister had looked. The vibe was off. Then I was invited to the house of the dead girl with The Hairdresser and got weird vibes from the parents. I was in full panic and suspected Hairdresser had spread a rumor. But I have the freeze response and didn't speak up. Your mind just shuts down.

When I was about 13 or 14, again a girl got killed in traffic. When I heard this in the morning, I said a very bad thing, as a joke. I said:"I called her ugly before she got on her bike yesterday". It didn't happen, for the record. I was very very stupid. I immediately had a massive panic attack, and didn't clear up that it was a weird stupid joke, because I was frozen. Because of memory holes, I'm not sure what happened next. My fear is still that the family heard about this, and maybe thinks it led to the accident.

These events always return in my psychotic episodes. It turns into a whole storyline where the families seek revenge. That they have been ruining my life behind the scenes.

As a kid, I practiced turning the freeze response into a fight response, and now when I freeze, I get visions of violence. Instead of arguing with words, I freeze and directly go to murder fantasies. People will bully me, thinking I am a push over because I freeze, and after pushing it too far, I black out and start punching them.

I need to work on setting boundries and speaking up in conflict situations. Guess I will have to seek out conflict to practice.


peace ✌️ 💜 


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