The Time Dr Phil Turned Me Into An Incel

Growing up in the 90ties, when counter culture was mainstream, I was pretty liberal and feminist. But I had no contact with girls because I went to a trade school as a teenager where 99% of the students where males. I also had no social life outside of school.

I didn't have a lot of female contact in general. My mother was an unmedicated schizophrenic that lived alone in our childhood home, my sister was 6 years older and got kicked out early by my father and our family kind of got isolated from the rest of our large family. 

I had a libido at the time and my fantasy was to live off-grid in the forest of Canada with a wife and four daughters. I kind of worshipped women. Hypothetical women. I thought it would be me and her against the world. I once for a brief second thought there might be a god because of how beautiful the female body is.

When the boys at school talked about sexual debauchery, I had panic attacks. But I had them every day for all sorts of reasons, and it didn't change my view of women. 

My first day around girls my age, when I went to college after high school, I fell in love-at-first-sight with the first girl that caught my eye. I was too emotionally constipated, a pretend je-mon-fous stoic, to do anything about it. I also never washed myself and wore the same clothes every day. And she had a boyfriend.

I had a nervous breakdown the first year of college. A mild psychosis or burn-out. Followed by years of depression. 

Then a girl I knew killed herself and I had a psychotic episode that lasted a year. Read my blog post about that here. After that I had no libido. I essentially became asexual. 

I was grieving my youth. I remember one summer hearing the music of a party while laying in bed and feeling despondent that 'a life' was unreachable for me. I was anxious and depressed. I probably didn't realize it but my "I don't care about anything" protective persona had destroyed my life. They call that "maladaptive behavior."

To learn about people I watched the talk show of then-psychologist Dr Phil. One day there was an episode that would turn me into kind of a secret misogynist.

The episode was about a married couple with 5 kids or something. They were white and the wife had cheated and had a black baby. The wife had said to her husband that she would have kept the secret had the baby been white. While they were "on a break", the husband had dated and had kissed a woman. 

Dr Phil kept making excuses for the woman while grilling the husband for the kiss. The woman was kind of aloof and the man was a really nice guy. It was bizarre really. No wonder Dr Phil got disbarred from being a psychologist.

I had a massive panic attack watching that episode and it became a core memory. It got stuck in my head. It became an obsession.

I was having panic attacks watching Oprah and Temptation Island and anything to do with infidelity. I developed theories about women based on evolution. I wanted to write a book called "All Women Are Sluts."

I fantasized about seducing women and then getting them to reject me. To prove how shallow they are or something. To gain control perhaps. My fantasy leaked out in real life and I got several women who were in to me to reject me. It wasn't really a conscious thing. What I had practiced in fantasy became my nature. 

LSD cured me. LSD is a fresh layer of snow on a ski slope. You don't get stuck in the previous tracks anymore. Tabula Rasa. Read about my breakthrough first LSD trip here.

I feel no need to own a person. But disease is a concern. Honesty is more important than exclusivity. I would raise another man's child as if it was my own.

I'm open to a relationship but I'm not an obvious partner. I don't believe in "the one." I'm not a provider. I'm very picky. I'm asexual. I can take it or leave it. I'm schizophrenic. I don't want to make children of my own because of my diagnosis. Most of the women I meet are in a relationship.

But I'm happy. I love the company of women. I have no hang-ups anymore. I think the world would be a better place if women had more power. I believe in the patriarchy. Some men, but not me, do have most of the money and power. I believe that most criminals are men.

I do think, I only live once, and I should have the girlfriend experience. But then again, bitches be trippin. 😉

Peace!✌️💜